I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. A lot of resolutions are based on giving things up, usually something that is seen as a vice, and to me it seems a negative way of looking at changing one’s life. And then, when one doesn’t succeed in giving up this particular something, an inevitable sense of failure will set in. Anyway, I don’t smoke, I don’t worry about weight and I’m not even contemplating giving up something I enjoy as much as drinking a well deserved glass of wine.
Today though, two things happened. I had to go back to work and that fact cast a long, dark shadow over the past few days. Pretty bad, if you catch yourself thinking “Only four more days, and then I have to go back to work”. Was my first day back at work that terrible? Maybe not, but the fact remains that a return to work was influencing half my holidays. And from next Monday, as I posted before, my hours will double, I’ll have to travel for hours every day and it’s six days a week. I’ll have little time left to unwind and do the things I love doing and that give me energy. I’ll have Sundays.
The second thing that happened today was a conversation with my son. He is 14 years old and doing his Junior Cert this year. He’ll have to make choices soon about which subjects he will take for his Leaving Cert. Those choices can influence the rest of his life. My son has no idea what he wants to do after school. He is very good at Maths and Science, but he is not passionate about it. I told him he has to try to find something he really likes, and then go out and do it. “Yeah, like you”, he said.
That hit me really hard. I don’t moan about my job in front of my children, but it was still obvious to my 14 year old son that I am not doing what I like best. At the moment, I am caught. My husband’s job is gone, and this is about surviving. But I made a resolution. To find a way back to where I want to be. To me, that means art. And horses.